The Gym

Sooooo.... I am in a wedding in four months (I promise to try not to get into a discussion on weddings and marriage right now) for one of my best friends from middle school. I have never been a bridesmaid before and am a little anxious about it. I don't know exactly what I am supposed to do. I haven't seen the bride (my friend) in probably 2 or 3 years, I live 6 hours away, we don't talk very much, and I don't know the other bridesmaids. I want to be a good bridesmaid (whatever that means) and be there for my friend, but I am unsure of my responsibilities/role in the process.

There is one thing I have done that makes me feel as if I am performing my bridesmaid duties... I ordered my dress. I have not seen the dress (except in a photo online), I simply went to a bridal shop (here, since I am clearly too far to drive back for a dress sizing) and they measured my bust, waist, and hips and I called the store in Ohio where the dress is being ordered from with my measurements. As I was talking to the woman (the groom's aunt) she went over the sizes and measurements of the dress. I discovered that my waist was very un-proportionate to the rest of my body/measurements. I ended up ordering a dress size larger than I have EVER worn in my entire life (even when I went through my largest phase in college). I am hoping that it has to be taken in (quite a lot) and have been working out to ensure this is the case (though my motivation has been waning in recent weeks).

I try to go six days a week (two of those I spend doing strength training and minimal cardio, while the other four I concentrate on cardio with minimal weight training; my goal has also been to attend 3 yoga classes a week, but lately it has been more close to 1 or 2 a week). I have been doing this for about two months (and was much better the first month and a half), and I have barely lost any weight—it has been very frustrating. I am vegan, so my health has always been important to me and I pay close attention to what I put in my body. I am not technically dieting, but I am trying to be conscientious about what I am eating (and trying to keep my calorie in take lower than normal). I don't have a scale so I don't really know how much weight I have lost (but would guess 5-7 pounds, at most). I need to do more (or something differently), but I don't know what. It is cold and snowy outside so my only significant amount of exercise comes from going to the gym. One last note to this: I have cut out pop/soda out of my diet as well.

Okay, what I was originally going to talk about are annoying people at the gym that I go to—one man in particular. This man (I don't know his name, but lets call him Richard) is at the gym pretty much every morning during the week, which is when I go to the gym (except Fridays). Richard is loud, not normal loud, but exceedingly loud—and the gym we are members of is a "quiet" gym, that has a spa attached (I don't have a membership to this portion of the gym however, but it helps to give an idea to the type of gym I go to). Quiet, more alternative music is played (as opposed to the normal "gym" type of music); cell phones are supposed to be turned of and left in the locker rooms; there are televisions, but you must attach your headphones to little machines to hear them; it has a mind/body studio with several yoga classes every day—generally, it is a very quiet, peaceful, calm place to work out. But this all changes when Richard is there. He has his cell phone with him and talks on it nearly EVERY morning as he sits on the stationary bicycle, which he has already dragged across the gym (making a loud screech noise, which seems quite similar to scratching nails on a chalk board). Richard also talks to almost everyone in the entire gym—he can be heard as he enters the building saying hello (and probably something inappropriate) to the front desk staff, and some of the administrative employees. I have forgotten to mention thus far that he has one of those voices, one that you can pick out a mile away (loud, nasally, just plain annoying). As he enters the work out room he has to say something to the trainer who works in there (and to her assistant); and if they are working with a client he comments on or to the client as well. Usually it seems as if almost everyone at the gym gets fairly annoyed with him, but no one ever says anything about it.

Well, just this past week I was able to experience Richard, as I never had before. As I was strength training, I was on a machine called the arm press (I think, it is similar to a "butterfly" machine where you push you arms together lifting the weight), Richard walks over to me and asks me to press his head between the two bars I am pressing together. He doesn't realize how much I would love to do that, but I decline (this is the very first conversation I have personally had with the man and it may be inappropriate to let him know I have grown a great dislike for him before I have ever even talked to him). He says something to the effect of, "Aaron (or Erin) wouldn't do it either, but I think I need it." I just look at him, not knowing how to respond. He goes on, "I think most men deserve it." "The probably do." I quietly agree, hoping he will walk away; but no such luck. "Men are jerks," he states, "but I am not a lesbian." This is the last place I expected the conversation to go (I am still lifting on the arm press machine—I definitely lost count). I say, "Well, that is good," really having no idea what to say (though I considered saying, "I am" to see how he would respond). He then says, "I like men too much." "Oh," is all I have for him. And he walks away. I want to yell, "What the hell?! Who are you? You don't know me, even if you are joking... WHAT THE FUCK?" I am still flabbergasted by the exchange. I don't care if he likes men or women, but why would he even go there or talk about this with some stranger in the gym? He doesn't know me, what if I was extremely offended by what he said (I think I might be if I wasn't so confused), but I just don't know what to think.

I guess all I can say is not only does Richard annoy me, he confuses the hell out of me too—at least he keeps my time at the gym interesting...

Freedom to Marry Week

It is the 12th annual freedom to marry week, and I just wanted to add my support to the cause.

Here is the link to the home page of the organization.

The website says that having a conversation is the single most important thing you can do to get the message out there about the necessity and importance of marriage equality. For a great number of years people have been coming together to fight for marriage equality for all couples, but with the passing of Proposition 8 (and many other anti-gay rulings/propositions) in November of last year the movement has gained numbers and voices.

I urge you to get involved in this movement, not just this week, but all year round!

Pace e amore

I want to be something more

I am so thrown off from last night. I don't know if this is the right decision, but I just keep thinking that it has to be. What scares me the most is that I am so unqualified to do anything, which would make me a comfortable living (and that I would enjoy). But I have to try.

There is just something inside me that is discontent and ready to move on and find out what more I can be.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

As I was sitting in class tonight I had a realization. I don't have to be here if I don't want to be. This is my life. And as I am always preaching, the only person I have to make happy is myself--and I am NOT happy with graduate school right now, I actually never have been. Finally, I acknowledged my feelings and am just beginning to deal with them. As is always said, "The first step is acceptance (or admitting you have a problem)." So here it is... I have a problem. My problem is that I am unhappy in graduate school.

I am in graduate school at Marquette University studying Mass Communication. In undergrad (at the University of Kentucky) I loved Mass Communication and my courses, and most of my professors, and my research. But at Marquette I despise my courses, most of my professors, and my research. I have no mentor, no direction, and feel as if I am not getting anything out of my time at Marquette. I took a required class last semester (my first semester here) entitled "Communication Theory," this is a basic course that ALL communication students have to take (I took a course of the same title as an undergrad at UK). The course was taught by a professor, also in her first semester at Marquette, who did not want to be teaching it and disagreed (apparently) with some of its requirements. As it turned out the course did not address Communication Theory at all. I was very disappointed and wrote a long evaluation of the course and the professor addressing my concerns. I left the class feeling as if the rest of my graduate degree had been compromised because of the lack of focus. This semester I am taking another required course (Research Methods), which I also took in undergrad. This course is actually on research, but not on Communication research, instead it is on whatever the professor decides to talk about (which is always himself and his past research). The two words he uses the most in class are "I" and "me." We are graduate students and are clearly interested in the material if we have chosen to continue our studies--so I wish the professors would respect us as students of Communication and allow us to learn and give us the tools to get the most out of our time at Marquette (as well as our Masters degrees).

I am irate right now. And am strongly considering dropping out of Marquette; but as I am a Teaching Assistant and am under a year contract I don't know if I will have to stay in my courses until the end of the semester.

I also don't know what I will do once I drop out--I don't feel as if I am qualified for anything. I am excited and scared and nervous. I want to move--I don't want to live in Milwaukee. I actually don't know where I want to live. I just know that I like to travel and write. I know that I need to make money, as I am pretty broke (graduate students/TAs don't make much money). But as of right now the emotions and feelings of confusion and loss are taking over and I am left sitting alone feeling as if no one completely understands my situation.

I do not know what to do or where to go from here, but I owe it to myself to attempt to live the life I want and to follow my dreams.

Mornings

I realized this morning that I am sometimes a morning person, as well as a night person. I definitely don't always like to wake up early, I definitely enjoy my sleep. But this morning as I was laying in bed thinking (maybe beginning to get anxious/stressed), I just decided to get up 30 minutes before my alarm went off (which I would have inevitably snoozed at least once had I stayed in bed).

I like the stillness and quietness of mornings, and the gray sky that is slowly waking to bring the day. I think I like nights for the stillness and quietness too. Sometimes I just need some quiet time to get things done and to feel calm. Usually as soon as I wake up (especially if I have hit snooze a lot) I feel rushed and stressed; but this morning I have more time to get done what I want to get done, without those anxieties.

I have also begun to workout in the mornings (at least 4 days a week--sometimes more depending on the weekends). I love the feeling of being one of the only people at the gym, and also the way it leaves me feeling throughout the day. I feel great about myself (for the most part) for the rest of my day and I am not worrying about if I will make it to the gym or how much time I will have, because I am already done. It leaves me feeling rejuvenated and powerful...like I can do anything I set my mind to. Now why the gym does all of this for me, I may never know, but I will not question it.

Just some thoughts for this beautifully snowy Tuesday morning, before I head off to the gym for yoga and a workout...

Absolutes?!

Though I see the positives of being objective, I don't think that writing objectively in my personal blog would suit me well at all... So let me be up front in saying that I realize I am not objective, but this is a semi-journal to me, where I write down my thoughts, feelings, evaluations, interpretations in a stream of consciousness. These thoughts and feelings have a broad range of topics and I am sure my opinions, viewpoints will change from time to time as I am enlightened and introduced to new topics. With that being said on to... Absolutes!

I do not believe in absolutes, I don't think that they can exist in any way, type, or form. I believe there will always be differences in what is right or wrong for a particular person. As I have stated before I believe in many shades of gray (no black and white). Though I love discussion and debate on any topics, I feel like I will stay steadfast in my belief in no absolutes. But will always welcome any other viewpoints.

I now forget where I was going to go with this post (I was thinking about it in my drive home from school/work). But I think what is most important right now is my frankness about my lack of objectivity in this particular blog. This particular blog has no particular focus, except my own stream of consciousness and viewpoints. Eventually, I hope to begin a more focused blog; but right now I am simply trying to find my own particular niche on which I will blog--and will always keep a personal blog where I feel comfortable to share my thoughts, feelings, ideas without having to edit myself or be objective.

My Passions

I have several passions that I hold close to my heart and will continue to fight for and care about. Some of these you may not consider passions, but I think it depends on one's definition of passions and to me these are what I care about most (in no particular order):

• Travel
• Writing
• Civil Rights (queer issues, gender issues, really any inequalities that exist)
  
• Family
• Trust
• Being true to oneself/following your heart